When Having it all, Just Isn’t Enough

Once I escaped a childhood of poverty and abuse and launched myself into the world of professional success, power and acquisition, I gave no thought to anything other than achieving what I thought was the ultimate prize - an elite lifestyle.  From the prestigious, well-paying career and the big, expensive house in an exclusive neighborhood to the fancy car, fine food and wine, couture clothes and exotic travel, the more I achieved, the more I wanted.  Enough was just never enough.  But more didn’t make me feel happy or fulfilled. 

Sure, my professional achievements and the accumulation of stuff brought satisfaction, but the feelings paled in comparison to my growing sense of emptiness.  Fear, sleepless nights, panic attacks and tears followed.  What was wrong with me?  I’d followed the rules.  I’d done everything I was supposed to do to thrive and be happy.  I was traditionally successful, but miserable.  I wondered if life would be better if I chucked it all and moved to a farm in the middle of nowhere.  But that thought scared me even more.

Was the dream a big lie or was there something wrong with me?

In the midst of the worst of my self-doubts, I was awakened in the middle of the night by an inner voice that said, “Start writing!”  It was too loud not to get my attention so I crawled out of bed and went to the computer.  All of the shame and torment I’d bottled up inside came spilling out.  Every day for the next year, I wrote.  That process of purging gave me some purpose and a measure of peace.  But, it wasn’t a quick fix.  It was just the beginning of a journey to discover who I am and what my heart desires.  

With time, I realized I was compensating.  For what?  I had bought into popular culture’s image of the “good life” to make up for the sense of shame I felt inside.  I needed a career that provided me with clout and connections to overcome the powerlessness I felt as a child.  Constantly battling to be something other than the daughter of the town drunk who liked to set fires, I tried to use money as proof that I was as good as everyone else.  I fell victim to my ego’s demands and sacrificed what matters in my soul.